"Sometimes I wonder if God is weeping"

"Sometimes I wonder if God, or whomever is up there somewhere, is weeping. Or if he's mad as all get out."

Lily

Hi, Lil.

I kind of think it is neither. That we exist at all is such a miracle. That a gecko can move and breathe is an amazing overabundance of good fortune. There is no reason that such a thing must ever have happened, and yet it has. When a toad then shoots out her tongue and eats him it is not bad luck, it is absolutely imperative for life to go on. We have to die. Our bodies must fall apart. The earth itself must fall apart and rebuild and one day die entirely.  In the process it injures and kills millions. But it MUST. There is no cruelty in that, however much it torments us.

There are also cruelties and disasters caused by humans. That we have evolved to the point where we can cause destruction as well as care about it, but not to the point where we are willing to stop causing suffering, is not a shocking thing. Species of all sorts do terrible things without a blink of compassion; they just haven't had the ability to do it on such a large scale. That we have developed compassion and introspection is as startling as that we have developed the ability to see, or breathe, or in any way be alive.

We are blessed with the joy and passion and sorrow and rage that come with inheriting physical bodies in an astonishing universe, a universe and bodies that could not have been predicted and which we in no way "earned". The bodies, the suffering, the universe--all gifts. That we feel those emotions is amazing, though from the perspective of my pain it isn't always possible to see that. But if someone as subjective and human as I can occasionally get a glimpse of this, a god of the omniscient variety would be able to see it far more clearly. And if she wept, it would be as much with joy and awe and amusement and tenderness as with sorrow.

 Evolution takes a long time. Maybe we will make it to the next, desired spot of compelling and universal wisdom and compassion. But if we don't, it isn't that we have failed. It wasn't failure that caused mass extinctions many times in the history of the earth. It was a combination of factors including luck--the luck that brought those conditions together at that time. Just as the many times we have NOT gone extinct are a result of the combination of factors that led to our continuance--as an individual, a species, a biosphere.

To me, suffering, cruelty, destruction, and death are sad. I am still very attached to my life and to my perspective as a human who hurts and dies. But if I stand back and imagine all the worlds and universes beginning and ending and following so many different and similar paths, I am struck by the breathtaking wonder of it all, and my own sorrow and fear grow small and comforted. 

It is a huge thing that we are a part of. Unimaginably huge and inexpressibly beautiful. That we even try to figure it out is mind-boggling. That we can't is not surprising. Which is why I am grateful I have my breath to return to. When nothing else makes sense, there is a deep comfort in just noticing my breath, an ability and an experience which I share with all of you and in some form with every living being on earth. And, perhaps, beyond. What a luxury. What a joy.

Blessings,

Casey